As of today, I put in notice at work. I got an offer to go back to Denver proper. I have been so heartsick lately that I hardly sleep, and when I do, my sleep is riddled with nightmares.
It hasn't gotten better as time has gone on...now most nights I sleep maybe 3 or 4 hours, and make up for it by drinking coffee all the time. Our financial situation isn't helped by the fact I'm going back, because I'm taking a job at a lesser rate to go back to Colorado at all. My future employer has been beyond kind, and is providing what help they can to help me get back home. For that simple act of kindness, they have my loyalty. They have shown by virtue of doing that they realize I am a human being, with a family...more than an employee number.
My current employer has been good to me, and I told them flat out if this job were in Colorado I'd stay without hesitation...but the situation with the houses is rapidly getting out of control...if we wind up losing one, the credit hit I will take will make it difficult to find employment, and it will make the ability to sign a lease to rent anywhere impossible. Denver is the only place we currently own housing, and family and friends are already rallying to help us come back.
I won't say that my experience out here has been bad. It hasn't, despite the various experiences out here that have convinced me the state of Maryland is out to screw everyone who lives here. I have made friends who are sad to see me leave, and while I will miss them, the best thing I can do is draw as many lessons from this experience as I can. Being out here has taught me who I am again...besides a Mommy, I am so many things I let slide in the past few years. This place has taught me I gave up too much of myself, and though I give up the part of myself that is Mommy gladly and would over again in a second, it has also taught me that I can retain who I am as a person and still be Mommy.
When I go back, the family has plans...and I have personal plans for myself, which are something that got lost in the mix of everything. Things I forgot, that in the chaos of my life I realized I spent too much time worrying about what might be, what could be...and not enough time realizing I needed to be happy about what I had. Not having my husband around to lean on, not having little bit to brighten my day...these things are among the most precious of things I could have. I have realized I am stronger than I thought...worth more than I thought, and that I didn't give myself enough credit.
I needed to learn who I was again. And after three months of being alone, out here with my family far away, I finally realize that happiness is where my family and friends are. It always has been, and somewhere along the line I forgot that. I won't make that mistake again.
I will continue this blog, most likely, but it will become more of a generic Mommy blog. Maybe. Or maybe I'll take a page from my cousin B's book and .... write a book. ;) (Congrats on the editor, hun!)